Thoughts, stories and ideas
I fell in love recently with a man who turned me on in a million different ways. I however allowed my insecurities to barge in with fierceness. I pushed him away and openly refused to believe that he could love me. I refused to believe that I was worth such affection. So today I sit in silence, I’ve cried all I can cry, the tears no longer fall. Yes he played his part in our undoing, but maybe just in the act of growing tired of my resistance and excuses. He was vocally against them and I reacted with child like emotions. He wanted me to be better than me. He wanted to support me in that. He told me that he loved me to the point of obsession. He told me that we were different than other lovers, better, amazing.  He wrote me poetry. But still I refused to believe. He called me on every insecurity and every excuse I could muster. He tore into them with more and more force, until we both gave up. In rapid succession I play out my excuses:  It moved too fast, he wanted too much, I don’t believe, I’m not, I can’t, I won’t. In any other facet in my life I take feedback and grow from it, in love I crush underneath it. I have risen to the occasion and overcome so many obstacles in my career and personal life, why don’t I do it for love? What stops me? The end to the love affair came swiftly. But I learned something from this man. Something very unexpected: We cannot predict when love will come our way and boxing up the complexities and hoping they will have patience is not a good relationship strategy. Most importantly I learned to go into love with arms wide open, rather than with fists clinched.